MPs Antoinette Sandbach and Will Quince speak out on Neonatal death and Stillbirth

I watched the interview of MP Antoinette Sandbach on Channel four news last night, and was moved.

Antoinette Sandbach relives the harrowing moment her five day old son died. Counselling was provided by the Alder centre as the hospital did not have a counselling service, and it was a lifeline for her.

MP Will Quince also speaks about the moment his baby was stillborn and how he was in no way prepared for the shock of his wife giving birth to a lifeless baby.

He feels is is essential that all hospitals have a dedicated bereavement room, so that the grieving couple are away from women who are in labour.

I think it is great that Antoinette Sandbach and Will Quince have spoken out. It is not easy sharing personal experiences that are  traumatic. I recognise that not everyone can, and wants to speak out. However I find that it is the personal stories, that stay with me, and also know from my work, that they can help other people in similar situations.

Antoinette Sandbach and Will Quince have highlighted the gaps in services that are provided within the NHS. They both hope that they will be able to urge the government to change the way services are provided.

We cannot change the outcome,but how people are cared for makes a difference to their experience in hospital, and helps the grieving process.

What to say when a baby dies

What Do You Say

What do you say when a baby dies and someone says ......
"At least you didn't bring it  home."

What do you say when a baby is stillborn and someone says .....
"At least it never lived".

What do you say when a mother of three says....
"Think of all the time you'll have."

What do you say when so many say .....
"You can always have another...."
"At least you never knew it...."
"You have your whole life ahead of you..."
"You have an angel in heaven..."

What do you say when someone says .... nothing?

What do you say when someone says "I'm sorry".

You say, with grateful tears and warm embrace.
"Thank you!"

 by Kathie Mayo



Some women  who have lost a baby through stillbirth, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, neonatal death, or a fetal abnormality, find it difficult to hear  the statements expressed above. This is because it gives the bereaved mother the message that she is  not allowed to grieve in the way that she wants to. The bottom line is, that she wants the baby she has lost, and by saying some of these things to a woman who has lost a baby, is not helpful, Nothing you can do will make it better. It is what it is.

I think it is important to show some sensitivity and that you care. It could be that you are just there, and don't say anything. A touch. Sometimes saying I am sorry gives the bereaved mother the message that it is okay to grieve.Saying sorry doesn't work for everyone as many people tell me during bereavement counselling that they hate hearing that, and don't want to be pitied, or see the sympathy face from people. There are others who find it difficult when close friends or colleagues never said sorry for your loss.

Related article: How to help your friend through baby loss by Aimee Foster